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Complications, Mr. Angry points out, occur when the thought recurs not once but several times.

I found myself wondering about the five o’clock shadow, for the fifth time that day. I’ve always been a practical woman and back then, a sensible little girl. Whenever it was time to write Santa a letter, I never asked for snow, a treasure chest, or a million dollars like my siblings did. I asked for fifty bucks, and two day’ furlough from house chores.

My reaction to the five o’clock shadow was no different. Because I believe ghosts leave only after you ask them to, I messaged him on Skype. “Okay, let’s go see a movie.”

We went. He was pretty sweet. He bought me popcorn and all the junkfood I wanted. He offered me his jacket and held my hand. We were acting like young lovers. Not wanting to complicate an already complicated situation, I told him, “I’m not here to fall in love.

He let go of my hand.

The next morning, we chatted and agreed to meet for lunch. What I want, I told him, is an orgasm. I don’t want to fall in love. I just want to find release. My hands are efficient, but I’m getting tired of this do-it-yourself business.

I can give you that, he replied. Is that’s all you want?

Yes.

All right. Meet me tomorrow. I won’t be gentle. You’ll come so many times you’ll need help walking.

Good, good.

I won’t be gentle. I’ll make sure you won’t ever forget my name. He went into lurid detail, telling me how well he multi-tasks. I’ll ram you from behind while my fingers play with your vulva, and when you’re oozing with cum and you’re thrashing wildly, I’ll eat you. All of you.

Sounds fun. Let’s start with lunch, then eat our way into another meal.

Okay, I’ll see you in an hour.

I showered so quickly I arrived five minutes early. I waited thirty minutes more before calling him up. I’m running late, he said. Give me two hours more.

Okay, I said, even though inside, I was a conflicted and conflicting mass. I trudged to the office, figuring I’d get some work done while I wait for him. But my imagination and the anticipation proved too much. It wasn’t long before I abandoned all pretence of work altogether and propped my legs widely on my table. There, in the dark and to the gentle lull of the air blowing out of the airconditioner, on the desk where I sign many a government form and vacation leave applications, I brought myself to a quick and furious climax.

Damn you, five o’clock shadow.

Rob

She was the new ESL teacher, bungling through her first day. He was one of the two or three native English speakers, and he was always eager to help. He helped look for files she couldn’t find. He helped map her schedule, and get the crazy foreign names straight. He gives commentaries on students he’s handled before, to give her teaching ideas.

And then, four days into the job, he planted himself so close to her they were practically nose to nose. “How about going to a movie or something?” he asked with a grin. His smile blinded her; she looked at her feet.

I can’t, I’m sorry. I’m married.

Oh.” He stood there, unmoving, until hastily but awkwardly, she bid him goodbye and shuffled out of the door. And it would have been the end of the story, really, had there not been that second or two, that little gap in time when, in between stare and answer, she caught her breath at his maleness and wondered how his five o’clock shadow would feel on her cheek.

Psst

Psst, he messaged her, out of the blue. How are you?

Swamped with a gazillion things to sign, she typed back. And you?

Never better.

Silence, on her end. She has a gazillion things to sign, after all. Then too, they don’t have anything to talk about. They never did. That’s why she picked him. She knew it would be impersonal. There would never be any i’m-falling-for-you moments between them. She knows his address and all the information found on his resume. She knows how much he earns monthly, how many times he’s missed work, and why. That’s why she chose him. She knows he doesn’t have a lovelife. She wouldn’t be taking anything away from another woman. It would be just two hours, two hours in a never-ending cycle of overlapping minutes. Two hours. One time. Who would miss it? Afterwards, she bid him goodbye as quickly and efficiently as she had chosen him. No words wasted; no small gestures expended.

But he was persistent. I’ve something to tell you.

Okay, what is it?

I now have a girlfriend. She’s the sister of my friend.

Good for you. It’s about time. Now, you won’t have any reason to do overtime on Saturdays and Sundays.

Yeah. She’s really beautiful.

Good. You’d appreciate beauty. You’re an artist.

She’s a nurse. She’s preparing to go to the U.S. She’s the eldest. She has two other sisters. She’s as tall as I am, and she’s 21 years old.

Again, silence on her end. What was there to say? She didn’t want to pretend interest. She had work to do.

He tried again. She has a mole on her face. Like you do.

That’s interesting.

Yes. She’s not as smart as you are, but who would be? I’m lucky to have her.

She’s really great to be with.

She drinks like one of the boys. She can draw, too.

Still, silence from her end.

Hello, he buzzed again. Are you still there? Can I see you this week?

Why?

I’ve something to tell you.

You can tell me now.

It seemed to her half an eternity before he answered. I’m afraid I like you more than I like her.

Perhaps, this is just fiction.

Dearest

A long time ago, you broke my heart. I cried over you. I thought I hated you. But no, the heart is resilient. It heals. It continues to love. I know how long I’ve loved you. I’ve loved you for 11 years.

I love you, still. But you have to understand. Mine is not a hungry love. I’ve loved you for years without seeing you or talking to you. I can love you for 11 more from half a world away. I just love you – no ifs, buts, or hows. I can’t even remember why.

I love you, but I do not need to have you. I am happy where I am.

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And I love her.

Shoes and Penises

Should you order shoes online based on penis size?

I seem to be blogging so much about penises these days. Perhaps, it’s penis-envy; perhaps, it’s lack of exposure to one. No matter what the reason, though, I might as well blog about something useful while I’m at it.

There’s been lots of talk going on about penis size being correlated to shoe size. In fact, not only is there talk about the relationship, there’s even a formula for it. The equation, it is said, is as follows: (Your Shoe Size + 5) / 2

Whether real or not, this is a very fascinating idea. Consider the following chart:

Shoe
Sizes
Europe 35 35½ 36 37 37½ 38 38½ 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46½ 48½ Europe
Japan 21.5 22 22.5 23 23.5 24 24.5 25 25.5 26 26.5 27.5 28.5 29.5 30.5 31.5 Japan
Korean (mm.) 89- 101 108 114 121 127 133 140 148 156 174 184 216 244 264 280+ Korean
U.K. 3 4 5 6 7 8 10½ 11½ 13 U.K.
U.S. 4 5 6 7 8 9 10½ 11½ 12½ 14 U.S.
Inches 9 91/8 93/8 95/8 97/8 10 101/8 10¼ 10½ 10¾ 11 11¼ 11½ In.
Centimeters 22.8 23.1 23.5 23.8 24.1 24.5 24.8 25.1 25.4 25.7 26 26.7 27.3 27.9 28.6 29.2 Cm.
Mondopoint 89- 101 108 114 121 127 133 140 148 156 174 184 216 244 264 280+ Mondopt.
Penis
Size
Inches 3.5- 4.0 4.25 4.5 4.75 5.0 5.25 5.5 5.85 6.15 6.85 7.25 8.5 9.6 10.4 11+ Inches
Centimeters 8.9- 10.2 10.8 11.4 12.1 12.7 13.3 14 14.0 15.6 17.4 18.4 21.6 24.4 26.4 28+ Cm.

Before you place an order for new sneakers, however, please note that in the British Journal of Urology, the chart has been denounced as a hoax. A medical study had been conducted, comparing the vital statistics of 104 male Londoners. It was found that there is no statistically significant correlation between shoe size and penile dimensions.

Interestingly, the accuracy of the chart is backed by only one argument: the chart must be true because it makes sense. Men need larger feet than penises. If they had larger penises and smaller feet, they would keep tipping forward.

1) he makes enough money to present every ex-girlfriend, from first-grade to present, with emerald-encrusted replicas of his penis.
2) he is happy, and everyone he loves and who loves him back are happy as well.
3) he has a wealth of experience to make up for lack of material wealth.
4) his penis doubles as a firefighter’s ladder.

Cast your votes now!

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