It’s not just oil or water you pump; it’s penis, too. I kid you not. There is such a thing as a penis pump, and it’s handy to have around for the moments when Junior fails you.

The basic penis pump is made up of a hollow plastic cylinder and a tube connecting the cylinder to a pump mechanism that looks like a pistol grip.

How do you use it?

You place the tube over your penis and hold onto it tightly. Naturally, you’d need a water-based lubricant for this. If you use it without, the pump wouldn’t have the traction required to keep it stuck to your body. Then, with the pump securely clamped on your pecker, you can start pumping away. The result is instant erection.

Of course, if you’re lucky enough to be in bed with me, you’d have no need for penis pumps. There’s no reason you’d know penis pumps exist, to begin with. In fact, when you’re with me, you might even be tempted to buy a product called:

White Rose The Jiaqi Rejuvenator Special Result Pawpaw Distillate
Guaranteed One Minutes Dispel Horniness

This amazing product from Taiwan promises “elov skin-rejuvenating o.p. c-e, skin-imitating active factor ARC and highly active Vit. E, can go into inner skin layers quickly to activate cells, dissolve and divest aged keratose and deposits within 1 minute, promote the skin regeneration and retard, decompose melanin. It may leave skin more more elastic, smooth, white and youthful instantly from inside out in whole!

Use: Days for sub-two, first shall face wetness, and weild the product gently knead, then with cleanly water washing.

Notice: Avoid into eyeball, if immodestly, shortly washing for cleanly water.”

These Taiwanese merchants are such innovative people of commerce and science, aren’t they? We all should buy their products, but not before we’ve shipped them the most patient of our English teachers.


Does Penis Size Matter?

The average penis size, according to one study, is 5.5 inches.

As I type this, I could almost hear men the whole world over sighing with relief. After all, in the grand scheme of things, 5.5 inches isn’t much; and it’s laughable, even, if you’re black.

I have always wondered why men obsess over their penises. They’d deny this, of course, but I bet they give their pekcers nicknames and talk to them in the shower or while in bed with a hottie. “Come on, Buddy, hang in there. She hasn’t come yet.”

I won’t lie to you and say size doesn’t matter. Of course it matters, in the sense that a lamppost forced into an earhole would matter. The long and short of it, however, is that size alone does not a legendary lover make. Most women still prefer being made love to, and while uterus-banging might look hot on porn movies, very few women enjoy being pounded that way.

So men everywhere, do not get so hung up on size. Unless your equipment is a tragic two-inches-even-when-fully-erect anomaly, odds are your insecurity will have bigger impact on your lovemaking than your schlong ever will. What you lack in length, you can always make up for in other things, such as enthusiasm or a clever tongue.

Okay, so the experiment went as well as I suspected it would. Maria’s mailbox is flooded with emails. Let’s meet all our prospective husbands, shall we?

Prospect No. 1 – Martin, a 44-year-old white American farmer, with green eyes and receeding hairline

Message: Dear Maria, I am very much interested in you. I am looking for a wife who wants to raise a family and help me take care of my land. Perhaps this could be the beginning of a very special relationship.

Dear Martin, I know you jerk off at the idea of land being farmed oh-so disrespectfully. I will not be farmed that way.

Prospect No. 2 – Luke, a 40-year-old white American businessman
Message: You’re a very pretty girl. Why would you want to marry such an old man?

Dear Luke, I want an old man so that I won’t have to wait long before he keels over and leaves me his property. P.S I hope you admire my honesty.

Prospect No. 3 – Gordon, a 50-year-old retired white American

Message: Hello there, you are ever so lovely. I’m lucky I just met your age requirement. I’ll turn 50 in two days. Do you get many replies from my age group? I think you and I are going to get along well.

Dear Gordon, your age group is most desperate to find a young and willing Asian bride. Unfortunately, I changed my mind last night. I want the man I marry to be no younger than 60 and no older than 75. Please email me again in ten years.

Prospect No. 4 – George, a 35-year-old black American research scientist

Message: I’m new to this site and you’re the first woman I’ve written to. I feel I had to write you because I saw your photo… and wow! I think you’re the girl I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I am financially stable, but I don’t meet your age requirement. I hope you change your mind about that. I never could understand why girls your age want very old men.

Dear George, for a research scientist, you’ve very poor logic. Surely you don’t believe its because girls my age love our grandfathers so much we want to sleep with one. I’m sorry. You don’t pass my age requirement. I need men belonging to that age bracket because I want to marry an ailing old man who will give me hours of wheelchair-pushing pleasure.

Prospect No. 5 – Bill, a 61-year-old white American business owner

Message: Dear Maria, you look like a delicate china doll. I’m happy you are looking for a man like me. Men my age know how to appreciate a real woman’s worth. I will never make you cry. I will never hurt you. I will never replace you with another woman. How do you feel about coming to the U.S and being my wife?

Dear Bill, men your age should be at home watching sunflowers grow. If I marry you, I’ve no doubt you’d never hurt me because I can easily outrun, outtalk, and outpunch you.

Prospect No. 6 – Dean, a 47-year-old white American entrepreneur

Message: Hello, how are you? You’re a beautiful woman. I’d like to know more about you.

Dear Dean, what more do you need to know? I just want to cook your meals and do your laundry.

Prospect No. 7 – Tom, a 38-year-old white American construction worker

Message: Dear Maria, what kind of farm did you live in and what kind of farming can you do? I like your photo. You look very pretty. Would you like to have children someday?

Dear Tom, I live in a farm with animals in it, and yes, I can farm like you’ve never seen a woman farm, sweetin’.

Prospect No. 8 – Jim, a 60-year-old retired Australian accountant

Message: Hi Maria, what are your interests? I hope you like classical music and I hope you like reading the classics, too. I’m a highly-educated man and I value a woman with a sharp mind.

Dear Jim, I’m 19. I’m strong. I just offered you life-long servitude and you want to know if I like reading Nabokov? Trust an accountant to expect a thoroughbred for the price of a chicken.

Prospect No. 9 – Jude, a 55-year-old retired pilot

Message: Hello maria, you seem to be a very humor-filled young woman. I hope I could talk to you soon. May I have your number so I can call you?

Dear Jude, humor-filled? Can you show me one line in my profile that shows I’m trying to be funny? I just offered you in-house servitude and you think it’s funny. Retired pilots have a sick sense of humor.

Prospect No. 10 – Matt, a 59-year-old divorced Protestant American

Message: Dear Maria, I like you already. I think we can have a good life together. I want to know about your favorites and interests. What books do you read? What do you do for fun? What dishes do you like best? I hope to hear from you soon. Best wishes.

Dear Matt, the dishes that I like to eat best shouldn’t worry you. I already said I eat very little, didn’tI?

The Maria Experiment

Because I was sick and bored, I went to a very popular mail-order bride website which proclaimed itself responsible for over 30,000 marriages and 5,000 relationships. It boasts of numerous testimonials from people who “found love online” and “built a family on the back of a membership fee.”

So, today, I gave birth to Maria Juanita Mangguba Manliguez. Maria has my face, her profile is her own.

I’m: Maria Juanita Mangguba Manliguez

Age: 19
Height: 5’1”
Weight: 100-115
Hair: Black
Eyes: Black
Country: Philippines
Nationality: Pilipino
Edu: High School
Emp: Agriculture

I want marry to a mature man (50-65 age), maybe American or live in Europe. I always very clean and work hard. I clean and cook expert, not eating too much or go out to have fun. I take good care of husband. I can work in farm or home. I live in farm for many years and I’m very strong. Thank you and more power.

Yes, yes, Maria is clearly very appealing. I can’t wait to read her emails tomorrow.

There are days when, like Mr. Angry, I start believing I, too, could build an empire on porn referrals. My Search Engine Terms, defined as the words people use to find my blog, are always graphic.

Today’s Search:
grab his balls
squeeze his nuts
angry sex
6 girls learn to masturbate
taught me to masturbate
rachel ray hooker boots

Yesterday’s Search:

filipina are they a problem?

Search from two days ago:
punishing babysitters sex
hooker boots
nuts march 2007
germs after going to the toilet
i saw my mother masturbate

And then, there are the really weird ones:
summary of nectar in a sieve by kamala m
wide sargasso sea feel sorry for
danticat breath eyes memory house on man

What in the name of leprechauns is ‘danticat breath eyes memory house on man’? Why should anyone feel sorry for the wide sargasso sea? This is the first problem I couldn’t explain away with a conspiracy theory or any theory, for that matter.

Students of ESL (English as a Secondary Language), stay away from my site. You’ll only confuse me and I’d only end up messing with your heads. This journal will not teach you subject-verb agreement.

Saturday Jaunt

“Will you go with the group?”

She looked up, not entirely sure who spoke up. It was G, one of the creative department guys. “I’m not sure,” she told him in between taps of the keyboard.

“You should go. It’s a wonderful place. You’ll love the spring.”

“I’ll see. Tell me who you round up to go with us.” She was noncommittal, already bored with the conversation, and wishing he would just leave.

“Will you bring your husband along?”

She looked up. So this was what it was all about. She was amused. “I never go somewhere without him.”

“If your problem is geography, you won’t need him. We’ll pick you up and drop you off, too.”

She thought for a moment. Was this one worth it? Physically, he wasn’t bad-looking. He was well-muscled; lean where he should be lean, and taut where he should be taut. He thinks quickly on his feet, too. More importantly, he makes her laugh. Occasionally.

She came to a decision, right there and then.

I Said (Part 1 of a Series)

It’s a common Filipino belief that a pregnant woman can have a say in how her child will turn out as an adult simply by carefully selecting what she eats. For example, when a child is dark-skinned, people (especially old crones and barrio-living ones) immediately assume the mother loved to eat chocolate porridge, chocolate, or other dark-colored food during her pregnancy.

Her: Your little girl is so smart. What did you eat when you were expecting?

Me: Friend egg, corned beef, and penis.

Her: (incredulously] Really? Which animal’s penis?

Me: My husband’s.

Taut silence.

Me: (in an attempt to break the strained silence) I’ve also been told I’m such a chatterbox because when my mom was pregnant, not a week would go by when she doesn’t eat pig’s vagina.

Again, taut silence, and this time, even I had to admit the less words I say, the better.