Archive for March, 2007

Does Penis Size Matter?

The average penis size, according to one study, is 5.5 inches.

As I type this, I could almost hear men the whole world over sighing with relief. After all, in the grand scheme of things, 5.5 inches isn’t much; and it’s laughable, even, if you’re black.

I have always wondered why men obsess over their penises. They’d deny this, of course, but I bet they give their pekcers nicknames and talk to them in the shower or while in bed with a hottie. “Come on, Buddy, hang in there. She hasn’t come yet.”

I won’t lie to you and say size doesn’t matter. Of course it matters, in the sense that a lamppost forced into an earhole would matter. The long and short of it, however, is that size alone does not a legendary lover make. Most women still prefer being made love to, and while uterus-banging might look hot on porn movies, very few women enjoy being pounded that way.

So men everywhere, do not get so hung up on size. Unless your equipment is a tragic two-inches-even-when-fully-erect anomaly, odds are your insecurity will have bigger impact on your lovemaking than your schlong ever will. What you lack in length, you can always make up for in other things, such as enthusiasm or a clever tongue.


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Okay, so the experiment went as well as I suspected it would. Maria’s mailbox is flooded with emails. Let’s meet all our prospective husbands, shall we?

Prospect No. 1 – Martin, a 44-year-old white American farmer, with green eyes and receeding hairline

Message: Dear Maria, I am very much interested in you. I am looking for a wife who wants to raise a family and help me take care of my land. Perhaps this could be the beginning of a very special relationship.

Dear Martin, I know you jerk off at the idea of land being farmed oh-so disrespectfully. I will not be farmed that way.

Prospect No. 2 – Luke, a 40-year-old white American businessman
Message: You’re a very pretty girl. Why would you want to marry such an old man?

Dear Luke, I want an old man so that I won’t have to wait long before he keels over and leaves me his property. P.S I hope you admire my honesty.

Prospect No. 3 – Gordon, a 50-year-old retired white American

Message: Hello there, you are ever so lovely. I’m lucky I just met your age requirement. I’ll turn 50 in two days. Do you get many replies from my age group? I think you and I are going to get along well.

Dear Gordon, your age group is most desperate to find a young and willing Asian bride. Unfortunately, I changed my mind last night. I want the man I marry to be no younger than 60 and no older than 75. Please email me again in ten years.

Prospect No. 4 – George, a 35-year-old black American research scientist

Message: I’m new to this site and you’re the first woman I’ve written to. I feel I had to write you because I saw your photo… and wow! I think you’re the girl I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I am financially stable, but I don’t meet your age requirement. I hope you change your mind about that. I never could understand why girls your age want very old men.

Dear George, for a research scientist, you’ve very poor logic. Surely you don’t believe its because girls my age love our grandfathers so much we want to sleep with one. I’m sorry. You don’t pass my age requirement. I need men belonging to that age bracket because I want to marry an ailing old man who will give me hours of wheelchair-pushing pleasure.

Prospect No. 5 – Bill, a 61-year-old white American business owner

Message: Dear Maria, you look like a delicate china doll. I’m happy you are looking for a man like me. Men my age know how to appreciate a real woman’s worth. I will never make you cry. I will never hurt you. I will never replace you with another woman. How do you feel about coming to the U.S and being my wife?

Dear Bill, men your age should be at home watching sunflowers grow. If I marry you, I’ve no doubt you’d never hurt me because I can easily outrun, outtalk, and outpunch you.

Prospect No. 6 – Dean, a 47-year-old white American entrepreneur

Message: Hello, how are you? You’re a beautiful woman. I’d like to know more about you.

Dear Dean, what more do you need to know? I just want to cook your meals and do your laundry.

Prospect No. 7 – Tom, a 38-year-old white American construction worker

Message: Dear Maria, what kind of farm did you live in and what kind of farming can you do? I like your photo. You look very pretty. Would you like to have children someday?

Dear Tom, I live in a farm with animals in it, and yes, I can farm like you’ve never seen a woman farm, sweetin’.

Prospect No. 8 – Jim, a 60-year-old retired Australian accountant

Message: Hi Maria, what are your interests? I hope you like classical music and I hope you like reading the classics, too. I’m a highly-educated man and I value a woman with a sharp mind.

Dear Jim, I’m 19. I’m strong. I just offered you life-long servitude and you want to know if I like reading Nabokov? Trust an accountant to expect a thoroughbred for the price of a chicken.

Prospect No. 9 – Jude, a 55-year-old retired pilot

Message: Hello maria, you seem to be a very humor-filled young woman. I hope I could talk to you soon. May I have your number so I can call you?

Dear Jude, humor-filled? Can you show me one line in my profile that shows I’m trying to be funny? I just offered you in-house servitude and you think it’s funny. Retired pilots have a sick sense of humor.

Prospect No. 10 – Matt, a 59-year-old divorced Protestant American

Message: Dear Maria, I like you already. I think we can have a good life together. I want to know about your favorites and interests. What books do you read? What do you do for fun? What dishes do you like best? I hope to hear from you soon. Best wishes.

Dear Matt, the dishes that I like to eat best shouldn’t worry you. I already said I eat very little, didn’tI?

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