Archive for the ‘sex sells’ Category

Shoes and Penises

Should you order shoes online based on penis size?

I seem to be blogging so much about penises these days. Perhaps, it’s penis-envy; perhaps, it’s lack of exposure to one. No matter what the reason, though, I might as well blog about something useful while I’m at it.

There’s been lots of talk going on about penis size being correlated to shoe size. In fact, not only is there talk about the relationship, there’s even a formula for it. The equation, it is said, is as follows: (Your Shoe Size + 5) / 2

Whether real or not, this is a very fascinating idea. Consider the following chart:

Europe 35 35½ 36 37 37½ 38 38½ 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46½ 48½ Europe
Japan 21.5 22 22.5 23 23.5 24 24.5 25 25.5 26 26.5 27.5 28.5 29.5 30.5 31.5 Japan
Korean (mm.) 89- 101 108 114 121 127 133 140 148 156 174 184 216 244 264 280+ Korean
U.K. 3 4 5 6 7 8 10½ 11½ 13 U.K.
U.S. 4 5 6 7 8 9 10½ 11½ 12½ 14 U.S.
Inches 9 91/8 93/8 95/8 97/8 10 101/8 10¼ 10½ 10¾ 11 11¼ 11½ In.
Centimeters 22.8 23.1 23.5 23.8 24.1 24.5 24.8 25.1 25.4 25.7 26 26.7 27.3 27.9 28.6 29.2 Cm.
Mondopoint 89- 101 108 114 121 127 133 140 148 156 174 184 216 244 264 280+ Mondopt.
Inches 3.5- 4.0 4.25 4.5 4.75 5.0 5.25 5.5 5.85 6.15 6.85 7.25 8.5 9.6 10.4 11+ Inches
Centimeters 8.9- 10.2 10.8 11.4 12.1 12.7 13.3 14 14.0 15.6 17.4 18.4 21.6 24.4 26.4 28+ Cm.

Before you place an order for new sneakers, however, please note that in the British Journal of Urology, the chart has been denounced as a hoax. A medical study had been conducted, comparing the vital statistics of 104 male Londoners. It was found that there is no statistically significant correlation between shoe size and penile dimensions.

Interestingly, the accuracy of the chart is backed by only one argument: the chart must be true because it makes sense. Men need larger feet than penises. If they had larger penises and smaller feet, they would keep tipping forward.


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It’s not just oil or water you pump; it’s penis, too. I kid you not. There is such a thing as a penis pump, and it’s handy to have around for the moments when Junior fails you.

The basic penis pump is made up of a hollow plastic cylinder and a tube connecting the cylinder to a pump mechanism that looks like a pistol grip.

How do you use it?

You place the tube over your penis and hold onto it tightly. Naturally, you’d need a water-based lubricant for this. If you use it without, the pump wouldn’t have the traction required to keep it stuck to your body. Then, with the pump securely clamped on your pecker, you can start pumping away. The result is instant erection.

Of course, if you’re lucky enough to be in bed with me, you’d have no need for penis pumps. There’s no reason you’d know penis pumps exist, to begin with. In fact, when you’re with me, you might even be tempted to buy a product called:

White Rose The Jiaqi Rejuvenator Special Result Pawpaw Distillate
Guaranteed One Minutes Dispel Horniness

This amazing product from Taiwan promises “elov skin-rejuvenating o.p. c-e, skin-imitating active factor ARC and highly active Vit. E, can go into inner skin layers quickly to activate cells, dissolve and divest aged keratose and deposits within 1 minute, promote the skin regeneration and retard, decompose melanin. It may leave skin more more elastic, smooth, white and youthful instantly from inside out in whole!

Use: Days for sub-two, first shall face wetness, and weild the product gently knead, then with cleanly water washing.

Notice: Avoid into eyeball, if immodestly, shortly washing for cleanly water.”

These Taiwanese merchants are such innovative people of commerce and science, aren’t they? We all should buy their products, but not before we’ve shipped them the most patient of our English teachers.

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Does Penis Size Matter?

The average penis size, according to one study, is 5.5 inches.

As I type this, I could almost hear men the whole world over sighing with relief. After all, in the grand scheme of things, 5.5 inches isn’t much; and it’s laughable, even, if you’re black.

I have always wondered why men obsess over their penises. They’d deny this, of course, but I bet they give their pekcers nicknames and talk to them in the shower or while in bed with a hottie. “Come on, Buddy, hang in there. She hasn’t come yet.”

I won’t lie to you and say size doesn’t matter. Of course it matters, in the sense that a lamppost forced into an earhole would matter. The long and short of it, however, is that size alone does not a legendary lover make. Most women still prefer being made love to, and while uterus-banging might look hot on porn movies, very few women enjoy being pounded that way.

So men everywhere, do not get so hung up on size. Unless your equipment is a tragic two-inches-even-when-fully-erect anomaly, odds are your insecurity will have bigger impact on your lovemaking than your schlong ever will. What you lack in length, you can always make up for in other things, such as enthusiasm or a clever tongue.

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