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Archive for February, 2007

The Maria Experiment

Because I was sick and bored, I went to a very popular mail-order bride website which proclaimed itself responsible for over 30,000 marriages and 5,000 relationships. It boasts of numerous testimonials from people who “found love online” and “built a family on the back of a membership fee.”

So, today, I gave birth to Maria Juanita Mangguba Manliguez. Maria has my face, her profile is her own.

I’m: Maria Juanita Mangguba Manliguez

Age: 19
Height: 5’1”
Weight: 100-115
Hair: Black
Eyes: Black
Country: Philippines
Nationality: Pilipino
Edu: High School
Emp: Agriculture

I want marry to a mature man (50-65 age), maybe American or live in Europe. I always very clean and work hard. I clean and cook expert, not eating too much or go out to have fun. I take good care of husband. I can work in farm or home. I live in farm for many years and I’m very strong. Thank you and more power.

Yes, yes, Maria is clearly very appealing. I can’t wait to read her emails tomorrow.

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There are days when, like Mr. Angry, I start believing I, too, could build an empire on porn referrals. My Search Engine Terms, defined as the words people use to find my blog, are always graphic.

Today’s Search:
grab his balls
squeeze his nuts
girls
angry sex
6 girls learn to masturbate
MASTURBATING MAMAS
taught me to masturbate
rachel ray hooker boots

Yesterday’s Search:

filipina are they a problem?

Search from two days ago:
punishing babysitters sex
hooker boots
nuts march 2007
germs after going to the toilet
i saw my mother masturbate

And then, there are the really weird ones:
summary of nectar in a sieve by kamala m
wide sargasso sea feel sorry for
danticat breath eyes memory house on man

What in the name of leprechauns is ‘danticat breath eyes memory house on man’? Why should anyone feel sorry for the wide sargasso sea? This is the first problem I couldn’t explain away with a conspiracy theory or any theory, for that matter.

Students of ESL (English as a Secondary Language), stay away from my site. You’ll only confuse me and I’d only end up messing with your heads. This journal will not teach you subject-verb agreement.

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Saturday Jaunt

“Will you go with the group?”

She looked up, not entirely sure who spoke up. It was G, one of the creative department guys. “I’m not sure,” she told him in between taps of the keyboard.

“You should go. It’s a wonderful place. You’ll love the spring.”

“I’ll see. Tell me who you round up to go with us.” She was noncommittal, already bored with the conversation, and wishing he would just leave.

“Will you bring your husband along?”

She looked up. So this was what it was all about. She was amused. “I never go somewhere without him.”

“If your problem is geography, you won’t need him. We’ll pick you up and drop you off, too.”

She thought for a moment. Was this one worth it? Physically, he wasn’t bad-looking. He was well-muscled; lean where he should be lean, and taut where he should be taut. He thinks quickly on his feet, too. More importantly, he makes her laugh. Occasionally.

She came to a decision, right there and then.

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